Revision Document
By Marcus Dodge
Text from my initial WP submission:
This paper will be examining the usefulness and writing techniques of movie reviews of the blockbuster hit The Avengers by Roger Ebert, The Rolling Stone, and The Movie Guys.
An observation or question I received from De Piero or a classmate:
De Piero said that I need to have a stance/position for my thesis statement. He told me that I needed to claim something about movie reviews.
The change(s) I made to what I initially wrote:
I changed the thesis statement so I would be claiming that Roger Ebert had the superior review out of the three.
How this change impacts my paper:
I had to change my whole argument because I changed my thesis statement. I had to examine the writing techniques of the reviewers in greater depth and give a better explanation of audience. I think this greatly improved my paper.
Text from my initial WP submission:Movie reviews are usually written casually but eloquently. In other words, movie reviews are easy to read and understand, but they also often contain diverse language and metaphors. Each movie review shares the same basic structure. The review starts out with a basic introduction of the movie. The introduction serves to gives the necessary information about the movie such as the genre, but it doesn’t get so specific as to explain the plot in detail.
An observation or question I received from De Piero or a classmate:
De Piero said that I was jumping around too much and that I should consider separating the ideas into separate paragraphs.
The change(s) I made to what I initially wrote:
I added a quote by Roger Ebert which was an example of a simile. I also elaborated on the writing devices that other reviewers used. Finally, I separated the ideas into separate paragraphs so one paragraph was about writing devices while the other was about structure.
How this change impacts my paper:
By adding quotes from the reviews and explaining why Ebert’s was the best quote, I furthered my argument. Also, by separate the ideas into different paragraphs, I didn’t have one really long paragraph which made my paper easier to read.
Text from my initial WP submission:
Movie reviews also may describe an iconic scene, which gives the reader some valuable information and something to look forward to when watching the movie. Movie reviews also often compare the movie to other well-known films,
An observation or question I received from De Piero or a classmate:
De Piero said that I should get more specific with this claim and provide examples from the text.
The change(s) I made to what I initially wrote:
I added a quote from Eberts review and a quote from the Rolling Stone review.
How this change impacts my paper:
By adding quotes, I gave my paper more depth. The quotes also provide examples for my claim about movie reviews which gives my essay more legitimacy.
Text from my initial WP submission:
One very important thing that movie reviewers should take into account is their audience.
An observation or question I received from De Piero or a classmate:
This was the start of a very long paragraph in my essay that De Piero said was too long.
The change(s) I made to what I initially wrote:
I rewrote the paragraph and broke it in half.
How this change impacts my paper:
The rewrite of the paragraph backed up my new thesis statement well. Also, when I broke the paragraph into two, I put the Rolling Stone and Movie Guys reviews in one paragraph and Ebert’s in the other. This allowed me to isolate Ebert’s review from the others and explain why it is superior in greater detail.
Text from my initial WP submission:
The reason for this is because Ebert’s readers, like himself, are not avid comic book or action movie fans.
An observation or question I received from De Piero or a classmate:
De Piero said that I should back up this claim if I make it.
The change(s) I made to what I initially wrote:
I decided to ditch this claim altogether and simply claim that Ebert had a large audience that didn’t only consist of comic book fans which is a more general claim to make.
How this change impacts my paper:
By making a more general claim, it wasn’t as important to back it up. I also changed the claim to support my new thesis statement that Ebert’s review was superior.